I remember the first time I realized mom was trying to teach me human language. We definitely speak a different language, so getting our points across to each other can be challenging to say the least.

She talks constantly. I have no idea what she’s saying, so I listen attentively, hoping to pick up a word or two eventually. She says “Good Boy” a lot; that always makes me feel good when she says it. It has a lot to do with the tone of her voice, really. I can often see her teeth when she says “Good Boy”, and that always seems a good thing.

Language got really interesting when she began talking directly towards me as if maybe I was supposed to do something. Trouble was, what was it I was supposed to be doing?

Sure, I had been listening to her all along, but the word she was using now was all new. To make matters worse, this new word was directed at me. To make matters even worse than worse, it wasn’t spoken in my language!

She kept saying “Sit”.

She had said “Shit” a lot in the past. These words sound very similar. However it had never been directed towards me, I still don’t know what “shit” means, and I never had to do anything before. Do now!

Then mom showed me. She showed me what “Sit” meant. She showed me and said the word at the same time. There were times I was already sitting and she would say “Sit” “Good Boy!” and I really understood. I learned what the word “Sit” meant. I got so excited that I learned a human word I ran all over the house like I was chasing myself.

I got it!

We were learning how to communicate with each other! I learned a human word!

Now, if I could only teach her dog language.

Yes, I love my brother.

I feel this intense urge to chase and even kill almost anything smaller than me that dares to run.

Yet I cannot bring myself to even consider killing my brother. I confess I have killed and even eaten his cousins. It’s like it is ingrained in me and I cannot stop myself. I love the chase. I crave it. I dare them to run and as soon as they do … the rest is history. It always ends the same.

That is one of the three things I enjoy the most about going to the horse stable to visit my pony sister. One simply being with my sister. I thoroughly enjoy jumping into her feed bucket while she is eating. She gets really irritated. It gets her attention though. That’s all I want really, is her attention. I love my pony sister. She doesn’t seem to love me too much yet, but I’m working on it. Maybe the jumping in the bucket thing isn’t such a good idea. I talk to her all the time but she seems clueless as to what I’m saying. I don’t understand what she says when she talks either. Another language to learn. It gives me a headache. We’ll get it worked out though. I have no choice in the matter. She is far bigger than I am.

The second of the three is visiting my dog friends. Finally, folks who know what I’m saying the first time!

The third is all of those critters I get to chase! Many of them look and smell a whole lot like my brother. At first this was rather confusing. Mom told me it’s normal for me to be confused about this though, and we talked about it. She told me that I was bred to kill rats and mice and the like. She said that is why the feeling is so strong to chase and why I crave it so.

Well just so you guys know, I’m no sissy. I love my brother and make no apologies for it.

I chase ‘em, I chase ‘em all!

Just not him.

He and I are best buds. He chases me for goodness sake. Yep, we chase each other. We chase each other all over the house. If mom is sitting on the sofa we run right over top of her. Darn him he can make under the sofa and I can’t. He always one-ups me when he does that. Then he laughs. What a guy.

One thing I do that he doesn’t is go outside for ‘my business’. I can see him inside looking out while I’m out there. He’s standing right next to mom at the window. I’m anxious to get back inside when I see him at the window. Nothing special, he’s just standing there on his hind legs, with a front leg holding onto mom while he’s watching and waiting for me to come in. They’re just both watching, waiting, and looking after me until I’m ready to return back inside. I know he’s ready to play and I’m always ready to play!

I’d put a video up of the two of us and our shenanigans, but if mom knew about even half of what we get into we’d hear some words. I think I’d have to put it on YouTube or the like to get it on my blog which could easily lead to the mistake of the video going viral - no good. I’ll look for some pics and put those on here instead.

He’s the best. Yep, I love my brother!

I have some tips on how to get your human whipped to benefit you most. It’s working for me, so I figure I’ll just throw this out there.

First and foremost, be cute. Even if you are as ugly as all get-out, you can still pull off The Cute. You can never go wrong with The Cute card. Make them believe. Stare into their eyes. Mimic them, though be careful with the mimic tip. If you ever dare to mimic their words verbatim, life won’t be fun anymore. You’ll have to do it over and over for other humans, and then you’ll get shipped off to a circus as if speaking more than one language is some amazing trick. You can talk human in private, but never, ever in their company. TatorTot pulled off The Cute. You can, too!

When you can see their teeth, that’s actually a good thing. Evidently you did something that delighted your human. Whatever you did that made them show their teeth, do it repeatedly. You’re pretty certain to get some tasty snacks out of this tip.

If other humans, and beasties of any kind for that matter, come even remotely close to your house, make a ruckus. The smaller you are, the more energy you put forth. Scream like a chainsaw. No idea why this works in pleasing my mom, but it sure does. I keep this racket up until mom says “It’s OK”. This actually makes her get up from wherever she is. She goes to the door sometimes and I hope it’s my ticket to the outdoors. At the very least you might get a snack, since your human is now on it’s feet. When your human is mobile, you get tasty snacks. Watch their feet. Listen for noises. Noises are good. It’s a free pass to make a fuss and get your human on it’s feet.

Keep your butt clean. Seriously. Keep your butt clean. Humans don’t know that they appreciate this, but they do. The Cat works this one and you can, too. The Cat is putting a ridiculous amount of energy into it though. They put their energy into their whole body, just cleaning and cleaning. The Cat Clean method actually costs your human extra effort and dollars which is not a good thing. You’ll injest way too much of your own body hair using the Cat Clean method, and your human will be slaved with getting it out of you. Dogs, know this: Focus all that energy on your butt. Your human is going to clean your whole body anyhow. Keep your butt clean in the mean time. Nobody wants your stank in their lap. Refrain from any cutesy kisses for your human right about now. Your body may inadvertently become a torpedo due to how fast your human reacts to the timing of that particular cutesy kiss.

Pay attention to which human or humans is/are placing food down to where you can reach it. Keep an eye on them at all times. They call this loyalty. I call it smart.

Speaking of loyalty. I know I for one would actually die at a moments’ notice for my human.

Humans like knowing this so much you could actually score big. Big as in big meaty bones… oh gosh makes my mouth water at the thought! If someone comes close to your human, growl. A deep, menacing growl. If your human hasn’t told you all is ok after the growl, proceed to the Chainsaw Racket. Practice in private if you haven’t done this before. If someone comes into your house and you don’t see your human’s teeth when they come in, or if someone touches your human and you don’t see your human’s teeth when they get touched, this may well be a sign that it is time to sacrifice yourself to protect your human. Humans aren’t always nice to other humans. Always always always keep an eye out for trouble. If there are humans of different sizes in your house, this is especially important for the small humans. If they go outside to play, go outside to play with them. If you’re tired, just go outside and lie down, but be there to watch over them, and lend a paw when needed.

I’ll give more tips as I discover them. If you have any you can share, please do. Humans can be so simple, yet complicated all at the very same time.

When I was three months old I left the home where I was born to go to live at my forever home.

I learned in one day that there are not just humans and dogs to play with!

There are birds, horses and ponies, cats, mice, and rats too! Oh, the smells. I didn’t know where to start first. I started everywhere first!

My new mom took me to so many places. She took me to big buildings and let me pick out my own toys. There were other dogs there, too, and I made friends. They didn’t look anything like me! All of them had their own human. I got to show off my new one.

I didn’t sleep in a cage anymore, I slept with my new mom in a big bed. I missed my brother and sister. I liked the bed though. It was warm and I curled up on my new mom’s shoulder and slept.

The food. Is there anything more important than food?

There are bones here! Real bones! With meat!

Seriously, you guys have got to come over here for a meal. We’ve got bones, real meat, real vegetables, real fruit, you name it. Mom’s friends come over here and bring me these cardboard looking biscuits as if I’m really supposed to eat them. I look at those humans like they need a mental check. Mom tells them I’m not hungry. She knows the deal. Real food thank you. A man’s gotta eat!

So now I live with a pony, a bird, and a rat. I have a pony and a bird for sisters and a rat for a brother.

It’s fortunate for the bird and the rat that the food is so good. Little does mom know, they’re on the menu.

We’ve all gotta pee sometime, but where?

Did you notice that when you were really, really little, this didn’t matter one bit; but when you got older this mattered to everybody everywhere no matter where you were?

When I was really little, my potty somehow just disappeared. I soon realized my doggy mom got rid of it before my human mom ever caught sight of it. My dog mom fed me and my dog mom removed my potty. She never complained about it either.

It’s when my human mom started bringing me food that all the drama started about my potty.

My dog mom figured since humans were feeding me now, they would also be cleaning after me, so she stopped.

And the drama started.

The food that humans brought to me and my little sister and brother was so delicious! We ate like kings and queens. We ate until we couldn’t anymore. We could barely move. Then we pottied everywhere and anywhere we happened to be at any given moment, just like always.

“NO!”

That’s the first time I had heard that word. I began wondering if it was my new name. I heard it everytime I went potty. But my brother and sister were called “NO” too, so that couldn’t be the case. I would go to sleep, giving it some thought. What was this “NO!” noise bursting out of the mouths of every human whenever we went potty.

If I never heard it again, I wouldn’t miss it.

Hi.
Or should I say “ruff!”

Mom is always at this box with this shiney screen. For hours! She says she has friends in the box.

Mom calls her box a “computer”. Does your mom or dad have one of these box computer gizmos? Anyhow, I asked mom for a box for Christmas so I could have box friends, too. My mom is so whipped it’s crazy. All I had to say is I wanted it, and sure enough, got it. I have my own box computer gizmo.

Christmas 2007 was only my second Christmas. My first one I didn’t know how to talk much. Come Christmas 2008 I’ll surely have mom completely whipped. Maybe I’ll ask for my own bedroom,  something really extraordinary.

She won’t be able to see who I talk to on my box