How To Get Your Human Whipped

I have some tips on how to get your human whipped to benefit you most. It’s working for me, so I figure I’ll just throw this out there.

First and foremost, be cute. Even if you are as ugly as all get-out, you can still pull off The Cute. You can never go wrong with The Cute card. Make them believe. Stare into their eyes. Mimic them, though be careful with the mimic tip. If you ever dare to mimic their words verbatim, life won’t be fun anymore. You’ll have to do it over and over for other humans, and then you’ll get shipped off to a circus as if speaking more than one language is some amazing trick. You can talk human in private, but never, ever in their company. TatorTot pulled off The Cute. You can, too!

When you can see their teeth, that’s actually a good thing. Evidently you did something that delighted your human. Whatever you did that made them show their teeth, do it repeatedly. You’re pretty certain to get some tasty snacks out of this tip.

If other humans, and beasties of any kind for that matter, come even remotely close to your house, make a ruckus. The smaller you are, the more energy you put forth. Scream like a chainsaw. No idea why this works in pleasing my mom, but it sure does. I keep this racket up until mom says “It’s OK”. This actually makes her get up from wherever she is. She goes to the door sometimes and I hope it’s my ticket to the outdoors. At the very least you might get a snack, since your human is now on it’s feet. When your human is mobile, you get tasty snacks. Watch their feet. Listen for noises. Noises are good. It’s a free pass to make a fuss and get your human on it’s feet.

Keep your butt clean. Seriously. Keep your butt clean. Humans don’t know that they appreciate this, but they do. The Cat works this one and you can, too. The Cat is putting a ridiculous amount of energy into it though. They put their energy into their whole body, just cleaning and cleaning. The Cat Clean method actually costs your human extra effort and dollars which is not a good thing. You’ll injest way too much of your own body hair using the Cat Clean method, and your human will be slaved with getting it out of you. Dogs, know this: Focus all that energy on your butt. Your human is going to clean your whole body anyhow. Keep your butt clean in the mean time. Nobody wants your stank in their lap. Refrain from any cutesy kisses for your human right about now. Your body may inadvertently become a torpedo due to how fast your human reacts to the timing of that particular cutesy kiss.

Pay attention to which human or humans is/are placing food down to where you can reach it. Keep an eye on them at all times. They call this loyalty. I call it smart.

Speaking of loyalty. I know I for one would actually die at a moments’ notice for my human.

Humans like knowing this so much you could actually score big. Big as in big meaty bones… oh gosh makes my mouth water at the thought! If someone comes close to your human, growl. A deep, menacing growl. If your human hasn’t told you all is ok after the growl, proceed to the Chainsaw Racket. Practice in private if you haven’t done this before. If someone comes into your house and you don’t see your human’s teeth when they come in, or if someone touches your human and you don’t see your human’s teeth when they get touched, this may well be a sign that it is time to sacrifice yourself to protect your human. Humans aren’t always nice to other humans. Always always always keep an eye out for trouble. If there are humans of different sizes in your house, this is especially important for the small humans. If they go outside to play, go outside to play with them. If you’re tired, just go outside and lie down, but be there to watch over them, and lend a paw when needed.

I’ll give more tips as I discover them. If you have any you can share, please do. Humans can be so simple, yet complicated all at the very same time.